Everything I write at the moment tends to be Laura-centric (of course) and probably depressing.
I'm really bad with warnings, I never know what should be classified as what (I don't work for the BBFC after all) but I rarely write anything that would be considered 'adult'. I have tried but I'm not good with 'teh sex' ;)
It's only a tiny ficlet (because I'm too lazy to write anything longer) and also stream-of-consciousness (because I'm too lazy to write in third person).
Spoiler-wise it's pretty light, just Laura's illness (which I'm sure everyone knows about) and it's set somewhere around the middle of Season 2 (Resurrection Ship probably) although that has no bearing on it.
Anyway please do read if you've got the time and feel free to flame/praise as you see fit. I'd rather comments were on the critical side because I want to get better. :o)
Rating: PG (I guess)
Summary: "Sometimes I think if the cancer weren’t killing me I would destroy myself from grief anyway."
Feedback: Would be helpful to me and also gratefully received.
Spoilers: Up to Resurrection Ship (but barely really)
Disclaimer: Only mine in my head.
I close my eyes and I want to scream.
The darkness rushes in on me and I feel lost, marooned in space and time. The great vacuum that swallows me purges everything but the fear which seems to grow and expand in the thick black fog of my mind. I hate it. I’m frightened of it.
Every evening as Billy helps me to bed I have to suppress the little voice in my head whimpering, “Please… oh, please don’t leave me alone”. I feel like a child weary of night terrors. Sleep is no longer the refuge it once was and now my dreams are full of haunting imagery and scenes of death, so much death.
The void I’m falling into grows ever wider and deeper. Soon my world will be engulfed and nobody will be able to save me. And I want so very much to be saved.
I don’t care that it’s selfish. I don’t care what the Gods said. I don’t care that we may never reach Earth. I just want to live.
I just want to live.
And as they do every night, the tears come, slipping silently from my eyes and soaking the pillow. Sometimes I think if the cancer weren’t killing me I would destroy myself from grief anyway. Grief, guilt and fear. My three constant companions.
I have nothing else except this power I never wanted and am now too weak to wield.
I have nobody at all except people who rely on me for so many things I’m too tired to even remember let alone provide.
Although at least the complete exhaustion dulls the relentless pain like no drug ever could. Even now I can feel myself drifting into sleep and I want it to be silent, I want it to be uneventful. A brief respite from this slow burning demonstration of mortality I’m being forced to endure.
If you’ll give me nothing else at least grant me this.
But I’m sure they don’t hear me and tonight will be like all the others. All alone in the dark, the deep dark, devoid of warmth and comforting caresses. That’s my future.
Every living thing…
A/N I stole the 'deep dark' line from Virginia Woolf and the last line is a reference to Donnie Darko (but I'm sure you knew that)
If anyone likes this then I'll try my hand at other fics (maybe even longer ones... yeah right). Also I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get better so if anyone would be willing to be my beta reader that would be most excellent. (And I wouldn't worry there won't be much work... I don't turn out many fics at all. Too. Damn. Lazy)